Being SELFISH Is IMPORTANT - Gary Vaynerchuk | 2017 Motivational Talk
4 Times It's OK to Be Selfish
When you picture someone who's being selfish, you typically think of someone who's egotistical and greedy, who never considers anyone else's wants or needs before his or her own. But there's a different kind of being selfish that always gets the backseat: the kind that means prioritizing yourself not because you love yourself more than anyone else, but because by making sure you're healthy and happy, you're a better you—and can in turn treat others better, too.
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"It is frequently OK to be selfish—it's just the term 'selfish' has this negative connotation," says clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of the forthcoming bookBetter Than Perfect. "If you think about it, when we're optimal with our rest, with our fun, with our relaxation, we are better mothers, partners, workers, society members."
So that the good type of selfish gets the focus it deserves, we're going to go ahead and give it its own word: selfitizing. It means prioritizing yourself, and you do it for the greater good. Here are four times when selfitizing is totally OK—scratch that, encouraged:
When You Need Help
You're always there when your friend needs to vent about a work situation or even when she can't figure out how to arrange the furniture in her new apartment, but do you turn to her when the same things arise for you? Well, you should. "I work with a lot of women who are very giving," says Lombardo. "They'll listen to their friends, and they'll take care of them, but they don't want to burden their friends with their issues." But it's not being a burden—it's a really essential thing to do, and not just so you get sound advice. "It's important because you get the help you need, whether it be emotional support or tangible support, but it's also helpful for a relationship," says Lombardo. "When a relationship is one-sided and you're constantly giving and the other person is constantly taking without the reciprocal, that's not a true relationship." When you allow the help to go both ways, you're actually forming a deeper, healthier relationship with that person.
Between the Sheets
In the bedroom, the emphasisneedsto be on you from time to time. "Letting your partner know what feels good and letting him or her do that sometimes, that's really important," says Lombardo. Let's state the obvious here: You deserve to be satisfied—it's not greedy for you to want to be. Even beyond that, though, it's actually necessary for your relationship health, says Lombardo. "Pleasing your partner is a really empowering and wonderful way to feel and give love," she says. "If you are not allowing your partner to do that, you're taking something really important away from them."
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After Work Hours
Let's talk about elite athletes for a second: "Elite athletes know, 'Work hard, rest hard,'" says Lombardo. They train their butts off, and they take their recovery time super-seriously, too—they know they need it to be the most effective athletes possible. And while your turf may be the office, the same rule applies: You might think youmustbe on email 24/7, that youmustfinish that report tonight once the kids are in bed. Every once in a while, that might be true, but it definitely shouldn't be the rule. If you give yourself balance, you'll be so much more productive when you're on the job. "Setting limits is vital," says Lombardo. Be clear to your coworkers about when you’re working and when you're off, and stick to those restrictions. It's not being self-centered to take time to yourself after hours; it's completely necessary.
When You're Craving Some Alone Time
Have you every felt guilty for "doing nothing"? For turning down an invite so you could stay in and read your book, for going to the gym instead of doing the laundry? Here's the thing: "Life is supposed to be fun," says Lombardo. "And so lying in bed a little bit later and reading your book or watching a movie or a show, whatever, if you are appreciating that, then that's a gift to give to yourself. And when we do that, our stress level goes down, our happiness goes up. ... It helps us be better at everything we do." The idea here isn't that you should always put yourself first and neglect everyone and everything else. If your partner asks you to join him at an event, if your friend is having a personal crisis, if you have to go into work early, then of course you can do those things. The point is that "you need to be in that rotation," says Lombardo.
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